Bill Casselman

Real men go ape for big breasts! Many an internet porn site depicts women with freakishly large knockers and delirious male faces buried in blubbery gazongas. This sexist falsehood is repeated ad nauseam: Guys want women with hypermammalian hooters and that’s the stud truth.

But is that obsession true of all real men? It is not.

Yet nobody speaks for the male who appreciates modest breasts. Well, this essay does. That is the only reason for this informal mastological jotting, my humble contribution to current boobology. Toxic feminist response-jibes shall be therefore briskly deleted.

First, let us deal candidly with the male psychology. The “big stud” who wants to bury his face in voluminous bazooms is actually seeking a return to his nourishing mother’s milk. He wants Mommy’s titty once more in his widdle mouth. He’s an infantile tit-suck, not Paul Bunyan.

Breast Droop
When plastic surgeons meet on a golf course they rub their hands together and hunch over to emit conspiratorial cackles. These happy cutters know that almost every operation of a cosmetic nature which they perform will have to be performed soon again.

“Every plasty is a replasty!” they chuckle.

No matter how many face jobs and boob jobs they do, gravity wins. Silicone gel migrates. The tautest of tucked flesh sags. Hence the number of women who, after a few years of dragging around giant watermelons, want breast reductions. There is even a weekly television “medical” show in which distraught droopers trudge into plastic surgeons’ offices and demand reductive mammoplasty. Some of the preposterously bad breast implants would cause Sir Galahad to lose his breakfast. One observes nipples touching ankles, women pushing their breasts to the doctor’s office in wheelbarrows and chrome steel brassieres devised by persons ordinarily charged with the design of suspension bridges.

Female ptosis or breast sagging is a natural consequence of getting old. The rate at which a woman's breasts droop and the ptotic degree depends on many factors, including smoking, number of pregnancies, gravity, higher body mass index, larger bra cup size and significant weight loss or gain.

The other point to cogitate whilst viewing these television “help” shows is your own estimation of the intelligence and moral rectitude of the women who sign up for breast reduction. Very few of those comely maidens clad in see-through, glow-in-the-dark panties follow the tenets of Mother Teresa. Most look like Las Vegas floozies who do quickies in old phone booths and don’t mind if a household pet accompanies Dad. One shady lady I watched on TV, as she whimpered and whined to her plastic surgeon, appeared to have the I.Q. of a shucked oyster.

Are “Breast Men” Sick?
Is breast fetishism a disease? Probably not. But note that abnormal psychology has given it a name consistent with other scientific maladies, namely, mastophilia. In several modern manuals of mental disease, breast worship is footnoted as a paraphilia (sexual disorder), in which male eroticism depends on the female partner’s breast size to the abnormal exclusion of all other female secondary sex characteristics. To which I would add a few cautionary questions. For example, can Miss Titfuck of East St. Louis actually walk upright and breathe at the same time?

Yet Another Caution
Be honest. Would you want to marry a woman with gargantuan grapefruits and spend your entire life thereafter defending your wives’ tits from obscene whistles and vulgar hoots by low-browed Blutos and scummy hunks passing by? You would not.

Therefore the next time some bimbo waggles her casabas in your face, give her a pass. Tell her if you need such udders, you’ll visit a cow shed.

Relevant Word Origins
The English word breast stems from a Germanic root like Old High German Brust, probably related to the Germanic verb burst, signifying a “burst” of flesh that comprises female mammary glands.

The word for breast in many other Indo-European languages is related to mother words like mamma and mammary.

English mother and Latin mater and many similar maternal words contain the worldwide etymon ma ‘breast’ + -ter an Indo-European agent suffix, so that the etymological meaning of the word mother is ‘breast-feeder.’ For other words ending in the Indo-European -ter suffix, look at: brother, sister, daughter, pater, frater, German Schwester ‘sister.’ The dental t sound often alters slightly to become a dental d sound, as in the German word for brother, Bruder.

Mamma is the formal English medical word for breast. Mamma is a reduplication of the much older Proto-Indo-European root *ma, breast or mother. This is not only the first sound uttered by many human infants, it may also be the most widespread word root in the world. *Ma forms the basis of the word for mother in many different and possibly unrelated language families around the world:

Latin mater
Greek meter
French mère
German Mutter
Russian mate
Icelandic modher
Sanskrit mata
Irish mathair
Welsh mam
Arabic oum
Hebrew em
Swahili mama
Chinese ma
Hawaian makuahine (maka first, beloved < *ma-k Proto-Polynesian, the mother (?) + wahine female, woman)

Why so widespread a word? The sounds of m and a are among the easiest to make and among the first sounds acquired by a human infant. The first noise in life associated with deep pleasure may be the sound made by the infant’s mouth sucking milk from the mother’s breast. This sound is frequently some variant of ma-ma. The slight smacking movement of the lips made in uttering an m-sound is similar to the lip movement required to suck a nipple.

But that is merely what the word mother means. There is no one way to express all an individual mother signifies. The sum of our sentiment is not contained in or exhausted by a mother’s day card. A certain Irish writer lay on his deathbed and was asked by an attendant what he thought of life. Said the dying man, “I should have kissed her more.” So too with mothers.

Bill Casselman, January 27, 2017

Text Copyright 2017 William Gordon Casselman


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